Middle Earth has no indoor plumbing
by ShadowWolfX
Summary: Its a story about me and my friends sucked into Middle Earth
1. Default Chapter

The smell was horrendous. The trip was excruciatingly long. And there was no end to the torture that had been plaguing them.  
  
Yes it was another day driving to downtown Chicago. Jason drove with remarkably fast speed but due to the traffic backed up five miles behind them, they were going nowhere fast.  
  
Inside the 2001, Mustang, sat five teens known for their outrageous abilities and writing styles.  
  
Mike, the intelligent one, was known for his Team Rocket fanfics and his excellent grammar.  
  
Lisa was known for a variety of stories and her astounding ability to notice a masterpiece before it was even put out.  
  
Meg, who was a little bit on the weird side, was known for her poetry and portrayal of insanity.  
  
Lindsay, who was not a stranger to the depths of the human psyche.  
  
And Jason, the man who was known for his epic battles, romantic tales, and crazy fucked up writing styles.  
  
Mike, Meg, and Lisa all sat in the back seat chatting amongst each other, as Jason leaned over and talked to Lindsay.  
  
The radio was playing Linkin Park, and the air conditioning was blasted to full power.  
  
The Chicago heat was unbearable to Lisa and Meg. Lindsay, who was used to hot situations, was a bit chilly, and Jason and Mike were reacting, as any other Chicagoan would act, totally idiotic.  
  
The seats were warm due to the fact of them sitting there for two hours. They had been talking about their stories and ideas for new chapters. It is now that we take a look at our little gang.  
  
"But Link doesn't die! The arrow was pulled out and the wound was healed during the mind-meld with Zelda!" Mike raged on about his story he and Jason were co-writing.  
  
"I know that but who is the evil behind this? Gorkhan isn't the mastermind. There is always someone behind the evil!" Lisa combated back with her charming wit.  
  
In the front seat.  
  
"You know I love the way that shirt reflects the color of your eyes," Jason swooned to his girlfriend Lindsay.  
  
Lindsay giggled and playfully smacked Jason on the chest.  
  
"CAN WE GET MOVING?!" Meg screamed out the window. "If I miss Tolkein's life-like doll of Figwit I will kill you all!"  
  
As traffic moved on, the gang moved towards the museum to visit J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings exhibit. It was something they had all been waiting for.  
  
****  
  
As they arrived at the museum, Mike went on about how he had organized a plan for them to follow. There were attractions to see, places to visit, and where to meet if they got split up.  
  
They had already burst off into different directions before Mike got a word in edgewise.  
  
"HEY! Wait for me!" He yelled as he chased after Lisa, who was heading towards the original LoR manuscripts.  
  
The museum was filled, head to toe, with LoR items and memorabilia. There were costumes worn by actors, items used from the movie, life-like dolls, and manuscripts written and signed by J.R.R. Tolkein himself.  
  
They all had come here for this reason only. Nothing else in the great halls interested them but the LoR displays.  
  
Meg had, to no one's surprise, ran to the life-like dioramas to see her beloved Figwit.  
  
They worry about her sometimes.  
  
Jason and Lindsay, also to no one's surprise, ran off to see the weapons and clothing worn in the movies.  
  
It would be a miracle if they arrived there at all. And an even bigger miracle if they weren't half naked.  
  
Jason, distracted by a shiny object, ran to touch the static electricity ball.  
  
Lindsay, following her beloved anywhere he went, latched onto him as soon as Jason grabbed the ball.  
  
Mike and Lisa had stumbled into the same room and, to Meg's opposition, dragged Meg along.  
  
"What are you doing Jason?" Mike questioned as he walked to Jason.  
  
"It's so shiny! I couldn't resist."  
  
"Well touch it and see what it does," Lisa lectured.  
  
Not being one to hold back anything, Jason latched his hand onto the ball and his hair stood up straight.  
  
As if it weren't high up enough.  
  
"This rocks! Comn' guys grab ahold!"  
  
Each of them latched onto each other and Jason and Mike touched the ball.  
  
There was only one slight problem. As they touched the opposite ends of the electricity ball, the negative and positive charges went though their bodies and cause a brief surge.  
  
Ordinarily this would have knocked them down onto their asses, but Jason had the LoR book in his pocket.  
  
The electricity shook through the book and a vortex opened up and enveloped them in a black hole.  
  
The book fell to the ground smoking. The five were nowhere to be seen.  
  
****  
  
They all were falling. Falling in a void of space, surrounded by nothingness.  
  
"MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Mike screamed as he fell.  
  
"Can you NOT do that!?" Jason countered not nervous at all.  
  
The five fell further into the darkness and, as Mike settled down, soon found themselves hitting the ground with a large thump.  
  
Well, it was more like a crack.  
  
As they picked themselves up from the now broken table, they hit their heads on the roof of the small little house. The surroundings were horribly small and tasteless. The room seemed to be housed for a vertically challenged couple, or a midget.  
  
"Ok. Where are we?" Mike said rubbing his bruised head.  
  
"Isn't it obvious? We were zapped into the LoR book and now we are in Middle Earth," Lisa said getting agreement from everyone.  
  
Except for Mike.  
  
"WE CAN'T BE IN MIDDLE EARTH! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN GET ZAPPED INTO A BOO.."  
  
Was all he got out as they saw a small little man appear out of nowhere.  
  
It was Bilbo Baggins.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!!!" Bilbo and Mike screamed in unison.  
  
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO YELL!" Jason screamed as he twacked Mike upside the head.  
  
"Don't hit me! I blame you for this I hope you know!"  
  
"ME!?"  
  
"Yea! If it weren't for your obsession with shiny objects we would be fine!"  
  
"Leave him alone. It's not his fault he has the mind of a child." Lindsay countered Mike.  
  
Jason smiled not realizing it was idol praise.  
  
"What is it that you want of me? I.I.have nothing to give you," Biblo stammered.  
  
"Don't worry ya little midget," Meg said patting him on the head, "we just came from an alternate universe where most people are bigger than five feet."  
  
"What about Mike Aye?" Mike whispered to Jason, as they both snickered under their breath.  
  
"Well that is a quandary. I can help you by supplying you weapons and new clothing if you wish," Bilbo said to the five odd youths in his house.  
  
"Uh, well weapons would be good but your kind of short, and we are tall." Lisa said finally speaking.  
  
"Nice pointing out the obvious!" Mike said silently.  
  
****  
  
They had gotten weapons from a storage case in Bilbo's back room. Jason was given a version of Sting. It was a red blade glowing with a fiery shine, Mike was given a broadsword and a shield, Lisa was given a rapier and a pack of darts, Meg was given a dagger and a bow, and Lindsay was given just a bow since it was ll that was left.  
  
"Is that enough for you love?" Jason asked.  
  
Even as he was speaking she reached behind her and snapped a black chord from her belt. It was long with pointed tips at the end. It was a whip.  
  
Meg turned to Jason to ask him why she was carrying such an item, when she saw his face was white as a sheet.  
  
They had all silently decided not to ask about where or why Lindsay had gotten it.  
  
Armed and ready for their upcoming adventure, the group grabbed their items and started to walk towards the door.  
  
When a knock was heard.  
  
Outside stood a tall man with a long beard and brownish cloak.  
  
Gandalf had arrived.  
  
****  
  
Note from author, ShadowWolfX: So how do you like it so far? I ripped the story from a fic written by a friend of Meg's. We are all writers on FanFiction.net and have met though it. I put some time into this and I think it is somewhat ready to be published. I shall continue this no matter how many reviews I get. Or at least until I get bored. Until then, May the Faeries guide your lives into unlimited happiness. Jason(ShadowWolfX) 


	2. Verically Challenged Freaks!

The tall man, dressed in a brown cloak and extremely long hat, stepped in and smacked his head off the top of the hall.  
  
Everyone burst out laughing, and Mike and Jason did their obvious gesture. They pointed and laughed as Mike yelled, "It's funny cuse he's tall and dumb!"  
  
Gandalf just rubbed his head and started to speak.  
  
"Damn Bilbo, when did your house shrink?"  
  
Meg was laughing her ass off as everyone else started to come around to what she was laughing at. Gandalf's hat was smoking and as he reset it the group from Regular Earth saw a glimpse of what was smoking.  
  
Gandalf was concealing a bong under his hat. Meg fell over pointing and laughing at the giant pothead.  
  
"Ok, why Bilbo who are these people?" Gandalf said puzzled as he saw the weird clothes worn by the teens.  
  
"Ah, these are travelers from an alternate universe."  
  
"WE ARE DREAMING!" Mike screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
Jason smacked Mike upside the head again, angry that he was yelling again.  
  
"Do that again and I will cut out your intestines!" Mike idly threatened.  
  
"You even try and I'll sick Paco on you!" Jason countered.  
  
Mike shut up as he knew of Jason's invisible knife-weilding monkey named Paco. In fact, they all knew of Paco, but Lisa was the only one who did not believe he existed.  
  
The story continued as Bilbo left, Jason had pocketed the ring in an effort to sneak in on Lindsay, but gave it back as he realized he didn't need to be invisible to see her naked.  
  
As Frodo ran in, Meg immediately started to pick on him. She smacked him, kicked him, and ridiculed his obvious shortness and geekiness.  
  
"I also know about the Samwise thing." She whispered to Frodo as the little midget's eyes widened and his face turned a pale white.  
  
Jason, who was the only one who heard it besides the two, pointed and laughed.  
  
Later on  
  
They all decided to go off, including Samwise and Frodo, to meet Gandalf later on. As they walked on Jason was playing with his sword, Lisa was admiring the flowers, Mike was hitting on Meg, Meg was admiring how Frodo and Samwise held hands as they walked, and Lindsay was attached to Jason's arm as always.  
  
Then two more midgets burst into the scene.  
  
Jason and Mike, who were closest to them, caught them before they knocked everyone down and threw them into the trees.  
  
"Wait! They are my relatives!" Frodo shrieked, letting Samwise's hand fall from his own.  
  
"We know. That's why we did it." Mike and Jason said together laughing at the vertically challenged freaks.  
  
The two hobbits, Merry and Pippen, where running from the field where they had stolen food. Jason scared him off by threatening to sick his monkey Paco on him.  
  
"Bloody hell, I thought our pheasant was torched." Merry said being smacked upside the head by Lindsay.  
  
"TALK NORMAL!" She screamed at the idiotic retard.  
  
"I love when she's hurting people." Jason cooed daydreaming.  
  
No one asked.  
  
"So where are we going?" Pippen asked.  
  
"To meet Gandalf at the inn." Frodo said taking Samwise's hand.  
  
"And then we will go to Elrond's digs, then to the mountain, then to.." Lisa started to say as Meg yelled at her.  
  
"Don't tell them that!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Cuse then the story is ruined."  
  
"So?" Jason said.  
  
"Never mind." Meg said shaking her head.  
  
Now as they walked on the 5 teens from Real Earth knew that the ring wraiths were due any minute. The only people actually wanting them to come were Jason, Mike, and Lindsay.  
  
Jason and Mike because they wanted to beat the shit outta them, and Lindsay because she wanted to watch Jason get all sweaty and hot kicking some ass.  
  
Again no one asked.  
  
Then all of a sudden a sound that could only be that of the ring wraiths was heard coming.  
  
"YEA! Time to open up some whoop ass!" Jason and Mike yelled drawing their swords.  
  
The others sat back, except for the hobbits who hid, and watched as Jason and Mike waited for the ass mongers.  
  
"Now I'll kill the horse, and you take out the asswipe," Mike said, not wanting to die.  
  
"K!" Jason said being a total sucker for action.  
  
The wraiths came. Four of them. And Jason and Mike beat the living hell out of them. They were laughing as they watched the fags run away scared as Jason was tackled and knocked to the ground.  
  
Lindsay had tackled him and was now hugging him tight. Everyone left them alone for a couple minutes.  
  
"Now. On to the inn." Jason said coming back from the brief interlude with Lindsay.  
  
His shirt was on backwards.  
  
In the Inn  
  
"So we get ours asses drunk, make fun of the midgets some more, and then Strider or should I say Aragorn comes to us?" Meg said drinking yet another mug of beer.  
  
"Yep." Mike said sitting next to her. They were flirting back and forth. Being drunk they would not remember a thing.  
  
"Where are Lindsay and Jason?" Lisa asked, immediately shutting herself up before the answer came.  
  
"Yea I know a Frodo Baggins. That's Frodo over there. He's my cousin!" Pippen said.  
  
Frodo ran over and tripped letting the ring fall on his finger and dissapear. Seeing this Lisa, Mike, and Meg ran upstairs to the room Strider would take Frodo.  
  
They walked in on Lindsay and Jason in the bed.  
  
After a minute to let them get dressed again, Jason was wearing his pants on backwards this time, they waited for Strider to walk in with Frodo.  
  
Then he did.  
  
"What are you doing in my room?" Strider said pissed.  
  
"Aragorn can it, now give us Frodo so we can all go to Elrond's pad and join the Fellowship of the Ring." Jason said royally pissed that he was interrupted.  
  
"How did you know I was..." He started.  
  
"LOOK! We know everything ok? Just drop the midget and let's GO!" Meg yelled.  
  
So they all picked up their weapons and provisions, and walked outside towards the forest of Elrond.  
  
Meg was laughing her ass off. She had found an item that proved Gandalf was there.  
  
A bong big enough to fit under a hat. A wizard's hat.  
  
Note From ShadowWolfX: Now I say it before and I will say it again. Gandlalf is a pothead, Frodo and Sam are gay, Pippen and Merry are bad rip offs of that bitch from The Weakest Link, and Strider/Aragorn is the biggest loser I have ever seen. I like this chapter cuse I get some TWICE! Won't be the last time! Jason 


End file.
